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Most friendships aren't meant to be forever

 There are plenty of reasons why we do things and how we do them(or we tell ourselves there are) Like why do we stay in relationships we know aren't for the long run? Or why do we keep talking and meeting up with friends that no longer serve us? In most cases, we're hoping for a breakthrough or a shift in effort or understanding, but it doesn't tend to happen. There comes a time and it's normally a little longer than we'd all expect as we tend to hold onto things longer than we should.  Like... jeans you fit into once, two years ago, and are keeping in your wardrobe just incase you go down two jean sizes. Or that £8 shampoo that didn't smell too great and left your hair feeling like it hadn't been washed properly.. we keep hold of things because we justify why we should keep them. "It's a waste of money if I throw that away or if I stop talking to that particular friend, we've been through too much together" But there comes a time, I guess ...
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Grieving someone you love

This blog was written on the 7th of May  I had called you yesterday, it was meant to go a different way. Maybe I was hoping it would be different this time, but it never is. You disappointed me again, you tear into my heart and keep going with lies and broken promises. Maybe I brought this on myself, the years of not getting too close to someone scared of not being enough or that they'd wake up the next morning and change their minds. That was the reason for the years of acting so shamelessly and cold hearted towards men so they wouldn't do it to me. Maybe it was the years of mistreating myself that your disrespect never felt so bad. I love you, you know that and everything was just so easy with you it felt so right didn't it? We just complimented each other so well, you needed someone to support you and I needed someone to show me their soft side and the vulnerable side of men in relationships. Like the way you would just let me unload all of the mess in my head and let me...
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What am I doing?

I'm 29 I should have figured something out right? When I got into a relationship I thought 'Right this is what was meant to happen'.. I feel some sort of stability..work became somewhat bareable, I didn't get the itch to change my career, go travel some more or meet new people. These were the things that used to make me happy.  I felt at home with him. Finally I felt I belonged. When this changed, I didn't just grieve the relationship, I grieved the twisted reality of belonging somewhere with someone. But in hindsight, with someone that never made me feel wanted in the first place. Now I'm here, after 6 months of drowning in self hate, confusion and sadness. I want to continue with my life but where was I even going before this little blip? I was travelling, working different jobs that were great but only for a little while. Now I'm in a job I have no intention of staying in but no clue on where to go?  I don't want the whole "I need to reinvent mys...
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Still here

 The reason I've titled this post "Still here" is because whenever anything dramatic happens or something goes wrong, I'm always humbled by the fact that life just simply goes on..  I'm still going into work at 7 o'clock, just this time im wiping away tears before sitting down at my desk. I'm still making sure I brush my teeth before bed but wondering whether life in New Zealand would have been a better decision than choosing to stay in the UK for a relationship. I'm still messaging my family asking about their days, fighting the urge to say that I'm heart broken and life is so unfair. I left my partner and had to move out of the home we both shared. Now every beautiful memory I had of our life together has been clouded by cheating and despair. I thought our relationship was ending because he didnt love me anymore, that I did something wrong. I blamed myself for asking too much from him. I mean... Its never 50/50 is it? Some days one loves the othe...
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