Grieving someone you love

This blog was written on the 7th of May

 I had called you yesterday, it was meant to go a different way. Maybe I was hoping it would be different this time, but it never is. You disappointed me again, you tear into my heart and keep going with lies and broken promises. Maybe I brought this on myself, the years of not getting too close to someone scared of not being enough or that they'd wake up the next morning and change their minds. That was the reason for the years of acting so shamelessly and cold hearted towards men so they wouldn't do it to me. Maybe it was the years of mistreating myself that your disrespect never felt so bad. I love you, you know that and everything was just so easy with you it felt so right didn't it? We just complimented each other so well, you needed someone to support you and I needed someone to show me their soft side and the vulnerable side of men in relationships. Like the way you would just let me unload all of the mess in my head and let me speak freely and listened to every word. Or whenever I was unsure about something, you reassured me that I would know what to do when the time came. I loved those days when you had time to talk to me and I was the person you wanted to listen to, the only one. Our arguments didn't last long did they? They were never a big issue we needed to discuss later on. My feelings were never truly hurt when we argued, I knew you, I knew what you were trying to say, before you started talking. Nobody had shown up for you like I did, stayed with you to sort yourself out like I did. Nothing was ever going to be too much for me and maybe thats why you left. Because you knew I'd love you forever and you were hurting me. I knew from the first couple of days spending time with you that I had found my soulmate, we just clicked and I understood you and you understood me. But this feeling didn't last long.

You slowly started to distance yourself and pull away and I was holding on tighter and tighter. I never understood why we couldn't just talk it out and get over it, the question of 'if there was still love between us' was evident for me.

But we were so different weren't we? factors like age, background, friends, family, love language; we were so different. We were living in a fantasy world where we expected each other to fit perfectly in our lives but life got real for you when we started living together, didn't it? You saw the future we could have had together and it wasn't what you wanted. I saw my whole life with you and you saw something you never signed up for.

13th of May, Tuesday.

Today I was reminded of finding another girls tshirt and knitted toy under your pillow.

 I rang you and shouted at you down the phone, begging for you to be honest with me for the final time. But you couldn't say it, you couldn't admit to me that you had been in a relationship with someone whilst still telling me that you loved me and we would fight to be together again. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again and my head was spinning, I couldn't believe I was that girl!! That girl you pity who is so inlove with someone they cant see what is happening infront of her. That girl who couldn't let go of someone she hoped would finally do right by her. 

I was crying in our bed, in a place we once called our home, hoping you would just come upstairs and tell me that you couldn't live without me and that it was a mistake. But you were downstairs talking to someone else, using her perfumed covered tshirt as comfort and saying you were talking to your friends late at night. I will never, ever, be that person again. I will never give my heart fully to anyone else and have to feel this type of pain again.

Our relationship was built on being open and vulnerable and trust. This was completely eradicated the night you came back, late on a Sunday with her possessions.

I still feel sick and angry and so incredibly hurt as you never apologised. Why would you? You have moved on and I guess there is nothing left to say.