Still here

 The reason I've titled this post "Still here" is because whenever anything dramatic happens or something goes wrong, I'm always humbled by the fact that life just simply goes on..

 I'm still going into work at 7 o'clock, just this time im wiping away tears before sitting down at my desk. I'm still making sure I brush my teeth before bed but wondering whether life in New Zealand would have been a better decision than choosing to stay in the UK for a relationship. I'm still messaging my family asking about their days, fighting the urge to say that I'm heart broken and life is so unfair.

I left my partner and had to move out of the home we both shared. Now every beautiful memory I had of our life together has been clouded by cheating and despair.

I thought our relationship was ending because he didnt love me anymore, that I did something wrong. I blamed myself for asking too much from him. I mean... Its never 50/50 is it? Some days one loves the other more, shows up for the other more and takes care of the other more. But I was giving 100 and he was giving 0. I would ask for some quality time, he would have a headache and go to bed.. I asked to be taken out for a romantic meal, he would argue that whatever he organised I wouldn't like, so he would go to see his family instead. I would cook, clean, pay the bills, show up for him when I knew he had a bad day and how did he show up for me? By finding someone else. 

I was blinded by unconditional love and the possibility of him becoming a better man, but people can't change who they are and no matter how much you pour into them, they can never return the love that is not there.

  Since I can remember, I never wanted to be in a relationship, I used to say "I just don't see the point of them"  I had my own back, I thrived being by myself and only needed to think and take care of myself. See.. maybe thats my problem; I'm all in or nothing, I either love you fully or I don't love you at all.  Friends, partners, coworkers, you're either in my life or you aren't.

Growing up, I used to watch my friends going from relationship to relationship because they needed to be wanted or they had to prove something to others. I never needed that, I used to go out and meet people, have great adventures with friends and that's all I needed. I didn't need anyone to go home to or feel like I needed someone to share everything with or tell everything to.

And now, I sit here looking back at how happy I was before I felt love for the first time and wonder was it all worth it? 

I know...I can't go back in time and that's what life is about right? Fucking up, making mistakes, chosing the wrong guy and learning from it.

But here I am, 6 months on and I'm still hurting. Still confused as to why I wasn't enough when I gave him everything I had to offer and more. I forgot about my own goals and happiness and focused on making him happy, helping him grow as a person. Where was my help?

 Maybe it's the fact that I won't be the person he will give his best self to. Or maybe it's my own pride; if I chose him, why couldn't he chose me too.

Maybe I'll never fully understand why he did all the things he did. Why he chose to sit on his phone instead of communicating that he was no longer attracted to me. Or why he chose to visit his friends back where he grew up and found someone else to love. Or why when I asked if he still loved me, he would lie and say that I was the only person he's ever loved, but in reality, he had started a new relationship with someone else.

My heart will forever carry the burden of loving him. Remaining weary of whoever tries to hold it next. I always thought the saying about being blinded by love was a load of crap, but here I am, eyes wide open and that clear sky is really kicking my ass.

Chloe x