What am I doing?

I'm 29 I should have figured something out right?

When I got into a relationship I thought

'Right this is what was meant to happen'.. I feel some sort of stability..work became somewhat bareable, I didn't get the itch to change my career, go travel some more or meet new people. These were the things that used to make me happy. 

I felt at home with him. Finally I felt I belonged.

When this changed, I didn't just grieve the relationship, I grieved the twisted reality of belonging somewhere with someone. But in hindsight, with someone that never made me feel wanted in the first place.

Now I'm here, after 6 months of drowning in self hate, confusion and sadness. I want to continue with my life but where was I even going before this little blip?

I was travelling, working different jobs that were great but only for a little while. Now I'm in a job I have no intention of staying in but no clue on where to go? 

I don't want the whole "I need to reinvent myself" or " I need to get away for a while".

I don't have things that I need to think about, I'm not suffering mentally. I'm not depressed or full of anxiety or rage that I need to travel or dissappear to sort myself out or to recharge. 

I just want something more than what I'm doing. Something that's exciting and worth living. I don't think I've ever met a person that is 100% sure that what they're doing is for them.. their job is great, they've got a family and they're happy to go on a bike ride with their kids at the weekend. But they never knew that their life would be like that, they didn't think they'd be sat in an office doing a 9 to 5 in the same town they grew up in and marrying the person they fell in love with when they were 16! It just all kind of happened and they let it be that way.

This is why I wonder why people say "it doesn't just fall in your lap, you've got to work for it" yeah sure.. they've worked to get the managers job and they've worked hard at their relationship to get to the marrying stage, but they just went with the flow right? Just kept doing what they were doing... going to work coming home, going out at the weekend and it all turned out alright.

So what about those that don't have a clue what they want, but know that a 9 to 5 in an office isn't for them? And how about someone who is 29 and can't think of a single person she's met from the age of 16, who could potentially be their husband one day?

What then? 

"Just go out and travel, explore what life has to offer, find a new job, make friends, join a group! Join a club..."

Hmmm... has anyone worked in an office before behind a screen from 7.30 to 4.30? Felt that type of tiredness behind your eyes that if you were to blink a little too hard you wouldnt be able to open your eyes again? Thats me. Join a club...after 9 hours of screentime I cant even go food shopping because everything is blurry and I end up with the wrong cheese, the wrong chicken and a cabbage instead of a lettuce! 

Travel..explore...

MONEY! Do you know who hasnt got that? A girl working an admin office job and a rent that atleast 5 people should be sharing.

Find a new job.. yeah but which job? The job with less stress and thus, less money? A job with more stress which is more money, but then you work your ass off, so no time to actually enjoy the benefits? How about moving to another company but same job? It's called being in the same boat.

Make friends? It is a little bit harder nowadays isn't it? I can speak to people at the gym but who wants to chat when you're fending off a group of teenagers that smell like the bottom side of an old dogs paw, with perms they keep swooshing to the side, trying to force you off one of the two back machines!!

Maybe it's more difficult because most of my friends are married or in a relationship. They're happy, settled and don't really go out and mingle.

.

I hate wanting more and not knowing what  that MORE is. 

 I just know that life could be so much more.

 I could be doing so much more.

The advice I have been given is that if I had more money everything would be easier, life would be better. But I don't think it would. I think it would allow me to travel and meet new people but would it give me the clarity of what I'm supposedly missing?

I don't know what else I can do to change my mind. Do I just accept that I am in the right place? Or do I make the leap to change where I'm going and not wait for everything to come together eventually?